Things you should know BEFORE calling Internet Technical Support!!!!

1. The screen with the icons (icons are little pictures that you click on to start programs) is known as The Desktop.

2. Reboot is NOT the same as turning off the monitor. on windows systems this must be done on an almost daily basis to ensure proper performance. It is also NOT the same as Sleep Mode on WinME. the correct procedure is to click Start then Shutdown and select restart then click OK.

3. A 'Computer' is an electrical device. They exist in On or Off states. You DO NOT 'CLOSE' a computer, you CLOSE a door, drawer, program, etc. When the Technical Support Representitive tells you to 'CLOSE' everything he means CLOSE ALL THE BLOODY PROGRAMS THAT ARE OPEN!!!!! Not your garage door or the cupboards and especially NOT TO TURN THE COMPUTER OFF!!!

4. The most important word in the title Internet Technical Support is Internet. The people on that line will not support your printer, for that you might want to try calling the Printer Technical Support line. They also do not support your soundcard, speakers, joystick, webcam, cd burner, video games or favorite website.....Nor do they give a damn!

5. Your ISP really doesn't care about your ping times while playing your favorite online game, Unless you can prove that the latency is being generated on their network. Once a packet leaves the network they are no longer responsible for what happens to it. Besides that, UDP packets are the lowest priority packet on the Internet and therefore the first to get dropped by a router when it gets busy.

6. The Internet is far more than just your homepage. In fact, your homepage is only one very, very miniscule teeny tiny piece of the Internet only slightly larger than your brain. Your ISP does not own the Internet nor can they 'download' it onto a floppy disk for you.

7. If ever since your Internet install your phone doesn't work, It may be a big deal if you are on a dial-up or DSL service. However, If you are on a cable Internet service the two systems are totally unrelated. please use your head.

8. The Internet is not 'down'. Actually by design it cannot go 'down' your connection may be down but the Net just rolls on regardless of what happens to you!

9. Internet Explorer and Netscape are NOT Operating Systems, they are browsers. Windows whatever is an Operating System, and Pentiums and Athalons are Processors!

10. I'm not sure how things work at your job but, the more you yell at the Tech Support guy, the less he wants to help you.

11. If you can't see the screen because it is too dark in the room, you probably have a power outage. In that case phone the power company!

12. If you are using windows 95, 98, 2000, NT4, or Millenium Edition then you have Internet Explorer AND Outlook Express!!! They are built in. If you have removed Internet explorer by deleting it then you will likely need to reinstall the Operating System.

13. For the love of God, if the machine is generating an error WRITE IT DOWN!! Tech Support people don't have a crystal ball nor can they see what you see. If it has a details button then press the button and WRITE IT DOWN TOO!!

14. Yes we know about mp3s, where to get them, how to burn them and listen to them frequently BUT, If we were to help you with them....we'd get fired.

15. Same goes for Movies.

16. Yes we know upload speeds are less than download speeds. So unless you are calling to give us a login to your ftp site then shut up.

17. After you have been using your computer for more than 3 months you are no longer 'new at this' or 'unfamilliar' with computers. If you are, you will likely never be any good with them so give up.